Title: The Worlds Greatest Smoke Off
In the laid back California town of sunny San Raphael
Lived a girl named Pearly Sweetcake,
You probably knew her well
She was stoned 15 of her 18 years
And her story was widely told,
That she could smoke 'em faster
Than any dude could roll
Well her legend finally reached New York
That grove street walk up flat
Where dwelt the Calistoge Kid,
a beatnik from the past
He'd been rolling dope since time began
And he took a cultured toke and said
"Jim, I can rollem faster than any chick can smoke"
So a note gets sent to San Raphael
For the Championship of the World
The Kid demands a smoke off
"Well bring him on" sayz Pearl
"I'll grind his fingers off his hands,
he'll roll until he drops"
Sayz Calistoge "I'll smoke that chick 'til she blows up and pops"
So they rent out Yankee Stadium
And the word is quickly spread
Come one come all, who walk or crawl
Tickets just two lids a hit
And from every town in Hamlet
Over land and sea they speed
The Worlds greatest dopers
With the Worlds greatest weed
Hashishes from Morocco
Hemp smokers from Peru
And the Shashnicks from Bagoon, who smoke the deadly Pugaroo
And those who call it 'Light of Life'
And those that call it 'Boo'
See the dealers and their ladies
Wearing turquoise,lace, and leather
See the narcos and the closet smokers
Puffing all together
From the teenies who smoke legal
To the ones who've done some time
To the old man who smoked reefer, back before it was a crime
And the 'Grand Old House That Ruth Built'
Is filled with the smokes and cries
Of 50,000 screamin' heads, all stoned out of their minds
And they play the National Anthem
And the crowd lets out a roar
As the spotlight hits the Kid and Pearl
Ready for their smokin' warrrr...
At a table piled up high with grass, high as a mountain peak
Just tops and buds of the rarest flowers
Not one stem, branch or seed
I mean a Maui, a Wowie, a Panama Red, Alcopoco Gold
Keef from East Afghanistan, and that rare Alaska cold
And there are sticks from Thailand, Games from the Islands
And Bangkok's bloomin' best,
And some of that wet imported shit, that capsized off Keywest
There's Wahaukan tops, and Kenya bang, and Riveria fluors
And that rare Manhatten Silver that grows down in the New York sewers
And there's bubbling ice cold lemonaide, and sweet grapes by the bunches
And there's Hershey bars, and Oreos in case anybody gets the muchies
And the Calistoge Kid he smiles
And Pearly she just grins
And the drums roll low, And the crowd yells 'go go go'
And the Worlds first Smoke Off begins...
Well the Kid he flicks his fingers once, ZAP that first joints rolled
Pearl takes one toke with her famous lungs, and WHOOSH that roach is cold
Then the Kid he rolls his superbomb that would paralyze a moose
And Pearl takes one mighty hit,
that bombs diffused
And then He rolls three in just ten seconds
And she smokes 'em up in nine
And everybody sits back and sayz "This just might take some time."
See the blur of flying fingers,
See the red coal burning bright
As the night turns into morning, and the morning fades to night
And the Autumn turns to Summer
And a whole damned year is gone
And the two still sit, on that roach filled stage
Smokin' and rollin' on...
With tremblin hands, he rolls his J's
With fingers blue and stiff
She coughs and stares
With bloodshot gaze and puffs through blistered lips
And as she reaches out her hands for another stick of gold
The Kid he gasps "Damnit bitch, theres nothin' left to roll"
"Nothing left to roll!" screams Pearl, "Is this some twisted joke.
I didn't come here to fuck around, Man I come here to smoke."
And she reaches 'cross the table, and grabs his boney sleeves
And crumbles his body between her hands, like dry and brittle leaves
Flickin' out his teeth and bones, like useless stems and seeds
And then she rolls him in a Zigzag, and lights him like a roach
And the fastest man, with the fastest hands, goes up in a puff of smoke
In the laid back California town of sunny San Raphael
Lives a girl named Pearly Sweetcake,
You probably know her well
She been stoned 21 of her 24 years
And her story is still widely told,
How she still can smoke 'em faster
Than any dude could roll
Way off in New York City
On a street that has no name,
There's the hands of the Calistoge Kid
In the Viper Hall of Fame
And underneath his fingers,
There's a little golden scroll
That sayz:
"Beware of being the roller, when there's nothing left to roll
NEW LYRICS 
